Sunday, February 20, 2005

The baby that isn't...at least in this world

Yesterday, February 19, was my due date. The feast of St. Philothei of Athens (who we had the wonderful opportunity to venerate her relics in Athens, Greece when we were there two years ago). Back in early June 2004, when I found out I was pregnant, I was so excited to learn that Feb. 19 was my due date because of St. Philothei. And I thought that maybe, if the baby actually was born on its due date, and it was a girl, we could consider the name Philothei. Then, I miscarried in early August (I was ten weeks pregnant). I had a previous miscarriage, before I was pregnant with Pavlos (that was at eight weeks), that was difficult (they all are) but then I became pregnant with Pavlos right away and my focus was on the baby that I was carrying and not on the baby that I lost. Now, I am not pregnant again and I am going through lots of thoughts about this baby that isn't... at least in this world. And I like to think it might have been a girl. And I like to think that her name is Philothei and that she is praying for us in the heavenly kingdom. May God protect us and have mercy on us!

3 comments:

Xenia Kathryn said...

Christina,
It's hard to find the right words to say. I would say 'I'm sorry, I can't imagine the sorrow,' but even that sounds trite.
I love you and your family very much.
And I'm thankful that, despite this particularly painful loss, there is a mingling of joy in knowing that your child, Philothei, waits for you in Paradise. Joyful sorrow, sorrowful joy.
with much Love,
Katie

Christina said...

Whoever coined the phrase "joyful sorrow" knew what they were talking about... thanks for your love:)

Carrie T said...

Dear Christina,

now that i'm a mother, i really can empathize (rather than sympathize) with your loss-- and can imagine the pain mingled with joy.

Pain that you will not get to hold your little one in this life.

Joy that your little one will not be tainted by the sins and temptations of this world, and joy that she rests in the arms of Jesus.

I ditto Katie's love for you guys!